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Slutz please give me my pen back. I was the slut, long before I had actually even had sex. For a moment, I considered this. I was new at school—shy, anxious, and homely; these boys had investment banker fathers and lacrosse sticks they dragged onto the bus and invitations to every single bar mitzvah. Maybe in the long term, the consequences of me not doing it would be far, far worse than sucking it up pun intended. I have a girlfriend. Were you actually gonna do it? I was the slut who tried to give a boy head in the back of the bus.

When I slhts for photos, he opted to describe himself to me instead. But when he suggested that Dick in sluts meet, I said that I would need to see photos before finally agreeing. The photos were sluhs I can only describe now as aggressively average in terms of both image quality and the vibe I picked up from the man wearing a golf shirt therein. Already impatient and not Dick in sluts moved by our conversation, I chose not to reply. Instead, he flooded both my email and Facebook page with accusations of egregious superficiality and a sudden change of heart regarding my own attractiveness.

His entitled head atop a business casual outfit taunted me for months. And, for all its faults, I still find Tinder delightful. And when I encounter a blank profile or a grainy photo or a man who is lying through his teeth about his age, I am reminded of those unfocused pictures and the entitled rage of that first encounter. It is a special joy to left-swipe such profiles back into the bowels of Hades from whence they came. When Tinder first came along, it was heralded by some as the Grindr for straight people and a hook-up app that women would actually use.

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She speaks, at all. Because what also tastes salty? She laughs at anything. No woman finds anything funny unless she wants you to fuck her seven shades of Sunday. She shows the flesh on the palms on her hand. Allowing the skin on your fingers to be shown to the world is just about acceptable — but the wrist, non non non. She has a voicebox, paired with lips: She eats sausages or bananas. Food of a slut, practice for You Know What. Anyone who always wants things in her mouth is probably not too particular about who she bangs. She has a stripper name.